Bež’te crni oblaci / Away with You, Dark Clouds

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Po budizmu sve čovekove patnje proizilaze iz žudnje i neznanja. Težimo određenim stvarima i kada naša očekivanja ne budu ispunjena, nastupa razočaranost i nezadovoljstvo. Patimo jer ne vidimo svet kakav zapravo jeste i ceo život provedemo u sopstvenim iluzijama, strahovima i nadama… sve zbog neznanja.

crni-oblaciVeć nekoliko meseci osećam da se nadamnom u određenoj sferi života nadvija jedan crni oblak. Koliko god se trudila da pobegnem, da se sakrijem ili da ga oduvam, uvek me nekako stigne. Tako me je juče, kako to samo ume ponedeljkom, uhvatilo tako jako nevreme iz tog oblaka da bi komotno mogao da bude imenovan ženskim imenom, kao što to biva sa uraganima i tornadima. I nije li to smešno, zadovoljna svojim životom u globalu, ali jedna stvar, ta glupa stvar kojoj čak i nije osnovna funkcija da pruži zadovoljstvo, učini da se osećam savršeno izgubljeno, totalno beznadežno.

Čini mi se da sam oduvek bila osoba sklona nekoj melanholiji, često neopravdanoj tuzi i ponekad, suludoj depresiji. Prisećam se priča mojih roditelja da kada sam bila mala, nisam mogla da podnesem balade i tužne pesme. Da li sam i onda pokušavala da pobegnem od nečega, od sebe? Još sam išla u osnovnu školu kada mi je tata, u nekoj od mojih mračnih faza rekao da nisam čak ni pesimista, već defetista. Sećam se da mi je taj termin bio potpuno nov i tek nekoliko godina kasnije, u srednjoj školi, ponovo sam se susrela sa njime. Defetista – osoba koja se miri sa porazom bez pokušaja borbe.

Zvuči strašno, zar ne? Ali, ono što mi se dopalo kada sam malo više čitala o defetizmu jeste činjenica da može imati i svojih dobrih strana. Ako je neka situacija bezizlazna, defetista će je takvom prihvatiti i moći će da se okrene drugim stvarima, bez dodatnog bola i patnje.

Posle celokupnog dana, sledi proces terapije. Prisećanje svega što sam pročitala, videla i čula. Prvo krećem od one standardne stvari koju mi je govorila mama prilikom mojih down faza: „Šta ti fali, zdrava si, prava si“. To je prvi korak, čisto da sebi lupim mentalni šamar i da prestanem da jadikujem nad „zlom sudbom“. Sledeća stvar: vraćanje na bazičnu istinu života – nismo večni. Zašto bih vreme na ovom svetu, u ovom telu, traćila na stvari koje sutra, za 5, 10 godina neće biti važne? I sledi nokaut za kraj meča: Da li ću na svojoj smrtnoj postelji da pomislim: „A, trebala sam oko te i te stvari više da se brinem…“ Odgovor je jasan: „HELL NO!“

Postaje očigledno, zar ne? Očekivanje i isčekivanje mi nije donelo ništa pozitivno.

Želim da vreme koje mi je dato, ovo telo, ovaj trenutak tretiram sa zahvalnošću. Ne znam zašto sam ovde i ko (ili šta?) mi je to omogućio. Da li je to onda razlog da se ponašam bahato prema životu? Prema sebi?. Nisam mačka, nemam 9 života. Nisam čak ni vampir iz nekog tinejdžerskog filma ili serije… Samo sam čovek. Ali čovek koji može da bira kakva će osoba biti. I u tome je ključ.

Biram da budem svesna osoba. Da ne prolazim kroz život kao da me čeka još drugih hiljadu. Ja sam tu, ovde i sada. Juče je prošlo, sutra će tek doći. Tu, u ovom trenutku, želim da budem svesna sebe, ljudi oko sebe. Da budem puna ljubavi i razumevanja. Da pružim sve i ne očekujem ništa. Projekcija sebe u bilo kom trenutku koji nije sada, prilično je besmislena.

Ovaj tekst sam počela kao jedna osoba, a ruke druge osobe završavaju misao tako očiglednu i jednostavnu. Zvonim za kraj meča, povlačim se u svoj ugao. U svom ušuškanom svetu, jedem bananu i radujem se novim saznanjima koja me tek čekaju.

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crni-oblaci

According to Buddhism, all of the human suffering comes from the desire and ignorance. We strive for certain things, and when our expectations are not met, feelings of disappointment and dissatisfaction arise. We suffer because we do not see the world for what it really is, and spend our entire lives in illusions, fears, and hopes… because of the ignorance.

For several months in certain part of my live I felt there is a black cloud hanging over me. As much as I would try to run away, to hide or to blow it away, it would always find me. Yesterday was one of those moments, as only Mondays can be. I was caught in such dark storm clouds that they could easily be named a girl’s name, as it happens with hurricanes and tornadoes. And isn’t that funny, I am happy with my life in general, but one thing, the stupid thing which doesn’t even have a main purpose to provide satisfaction, can make me feel so perfectly lost and totally hopeless.

It seems to me I’ve always been a person prone to melancholy, often unjustified sorrow and sometimes insane depression. I remember the stories my parents told me: when I was little, I could not bear ballads and sad songs. Had I, even then tried to run away from something, from myself? I was still in elementary school when my dad, in one of my down phases, said that I’m not even a pessimist, but defeatist. I remember that the term was unfamiliar to me at that moment and a few years later, in high school, I stumble upon it again. Defeatist – a person who is reconciled with the defeat without trying to fight.

Sounds scary, doesn’t it? But what I liked when I read a little bit more about defeatism is the fact that it can have its good sides. If the situation is hopeless, defeatists would accept it as such and will be able to turn to other things, without the additional pain and suffering.

After a whole day, it is time for my own personal therapy; remembering all things that I have read, seen and heard. I’m starting from usual thing that my mom would say whenever I was feeling blue: “What’s wrong, you’re healthy, you’re alright.” This is the first step, just to slap myself mentally and stop it with the “woe is me” attitude. Next thing: a return to the basic truth of life – we are not eternal. Why should I waste time in this world , in this body, on things that tomorrow, 5, 10 years from now will not be important? And then, knockout for the end of the match. One day, on my death bed, will I think, “Oh, I should’ve been more worried about this or that…” The answer is clear: “HELL NO!”

It becomes so obvious, doesn’t it? The expectation and anticipation did not bring me anything positive.

I wish to treat this time that is given to me, this body, with gratitude. I do not know why I’m here, and who (or what?) put me here. Is that a reason to behave arrogantly towards life? To myself? I’m not a cat, I don’t have nine lives. I’m not even a vampire from a teenage movie or TV show… I’m just a human. But a human who can choose what kind of a person I am. And that’s the key.

I choose to be aware of life. Not to go through life as I have another thousand left to live. I’m right here and now. Yesterday’s gone, tomorrow is yet to come. Here, at this moment, I want to be aware of myself, people around me. To be loving and understanding. Give everything and expect nothing. The projection of myself at any other time that is not now, is pretty pointless.

I started this post as one person, and the hands of the other person are finishing the thought so obvious and simple. Ringing the bell for the end of the match, I’m retreating to corner. In my cozy world, I’m eating a banana and looking forward to new knowledge that is waiting to be discovered.

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