Pillow Conspiracy / Zavera jastuka

— Skrolujte dole za verziju na srpskom —

HER: I covered myself over head with a blanket, tucked in and in matter of minutes, fell asleep. I do not know how long have I slept, huddled against the wall, but when I became stiff from that pose and tried to turn around to the other side of the pillow – there HE was! Although he has the whole other half of the bed and even four (!) pillows, he must push up against me. I am trying to gently push him away and roll him over to the other side, so I have a place to lie. Almost awaking the sleeping usurper, I barely manage to make some room on my pillow and satisfied, I lay comfortably.

HIM: I love my pillows. So far I have only four. But I’m working on it. I’m dreaming of a bed covered in pillows, soft, warm and cold, just where they should be. Sleeping on and under a pile of pillows… I will have my day. But for now I will somehow manage with these four, despite the fact that someone keeps moving them away from me. Ha! You’ll see, usurper, one day there’ll be so much of them that you’ll get tired just by thinking about moving them. And here it is again! I’m missing one! Tireless is that someone. Why is he not sleeping like a normal person rather than stealing my pillows!? What does he do with them? Obviously not sleeping. Just torturing m… ah, here’s one! Look, he moved it all to the other side of the bed. Well Mr. Usurper, I won’t play your game. I’m sleeping here.

HER: While I dream of delicious cakes, sweet ingredients and how I’m to make them, I have no idea what’s coming. At one point, I realize that my head is in the air, and the very next it slammed on the bed. Dumbfounded, I’m lifting myself in the gloom, trying to figure out what the hell is going on?! We have come to steal, Mr. Usurper? While I’m still trying to pull it together, he is set up properly with (now) five of his pillows and dreaming his dream. I can’t believe what’s happening to me…

HIM: I banged my head on the radiator. That happens when Mr. Usurper steals all of my pillows, including my favorite one which is always warm, because it’s leaning on the radiator next to bed. This means fight! Just to make sure that all my teeth are on the number and I’m moving to reclaim what’s mine! I even tried to sleep on a pillow that he threw to the other side of the bed, but even that was not enough for him! He has now started pushing me and won’t let me do that either. What’s his interest? Who sent him? AND WHY DOES HE TAKE MY PILLOWS?! I’m a tiger! I’m throwing myself this moment to the last pillow that I can feel in this dark. Look, he hid it on the other side of the bed! Black soul! Give it to me! Enough of it! No more Mister Nice Guy!

HER: My neck is stiff, for days, now. I’m taking medications and applying balms in hope of relief. First half of a day, I’m getting by somehow, but the evenings are when I’m howling from pain. Hardly I find a position to sleep and all the time in my subconscious is the thought that I must be careful how I turn over in order to keep my head on my shoulders. During this painful task known as sleep I still can’t be deprived of the usurper-thief. While I’m dreaming in haze, yet again he begins his attack. But this time I’m ready! As soon as he grabbed a pillow, I grabbed to. Oh, no, you won’t! This is my pillow! When he realizes that he will not get what he’s up for, he gives up and retreats to his corner. That’s right! I can show my teeth!

HIM: It has been a few days. I still haven’t figured out what motivates the usurper-thief. But I know he will attack again. What makes the matter even worse is the fact that I and my blue jaw are not his only victims. Oh no! He also attacked Milica that night. My poor honey is moaning in pain every night. He pulled out a pillow from under her head! What kind of a monster does that? I will never forget that sound, when her head slammed on the bed. I mean, it’s one thing to bang my head against the radiator, but for Milica’s neck to suffer because of his dirty games… I will not stand for that! I will have my revenge. I just have to recover back a little strength and rest well. For now, I give up. Let him have all the pillows, I retreat to my corner, until I make a plan for my next attack. I will be the end of him.

HER AND HIM (together): Trespassing, theft and attempted robbery… I don’t know if any court would take me seriously, but you’ll have to agree, that this thing is more than disturbing. If I can’t find the peace and safety in my own bed, where else could I expect it? And what could be the punishment? Revocation of pillows? Fencing around the bed? Hmmmm… I’ll think about it.

_______________________________________________________________

ONA: Pokrila sam se ćebetom preko glave, ušuškala i u roku od nekoliko minuta, zaspala čvrstim snom. Ne znam koliko sam dugo spavala, šćućurena uz zid, ali kada sam se ukočila od te poze i pokušala da se okrenem na drugu stranu, na jastuku je bio ON! On koji, iako ima celu drugu polovinu kreveta i čak 4 (!) jastuka, mora da se gura uz mene. Lagano pokušavam da ga odguram i prevrnem na drugu stranu, kako bih ja imala gde da ležim. Uz polubuđenje usnulog uzurpatora, na jedvite jade uspem da oslobodim mesto na svom jastuku i sva zadovoljna, namestim se slatko.

ON: Obožavam moje jastuke. Za sada ih imam samo 4. Ali radim na tome. Maštam o krevetu zatrpanom jastucima, mekanim, toplim i hladnim, taman tamo gde treba. Spavanje na i pod gomilom jastuka… I will have my day. Ali za sada ću se nekako snaći sa ova 4, uprkos činjenici da mi ih neko stalno sklanja. Ha! Videćeš ti uzurpatoru kada ih jednog dana bude bilo toliko da ćeš se umoriti od same pomisli da mi ih skloniš. I evo opet mi fali jedan! Stvarno je neumoran taj neko. Zašto ne spava kao sav normalan svet nego mi krade jastuke?! Šta radi sa njima? Očigledno ne spava. Samo me muč…. ah evo ga jedan! Gledaj, pomerio ga je čak na drugu stranu kreveta. E pa gospodine uzurpatoru, neću igrati tvoju igru. Ja spavam ovde.

ONA: Dok sanjam o ukusnim kolačima, slatkim sastojcima i kako ću sve to da napravim i ne slutim šta me čeka. U jednom trenutku shvatam da je moja glava u vazduhu, a narednog trenutka tresnula u krevet. Pridižem se sva bunovna i u polumraku pokušavam da dođem sebi i odgonetnem šta se dovraga dešava? Prešli smo na krađu, gospodine uzurpatoru? Dok još uvek pokušavam da se saberem, ON se uredno namestio sa (sada) svojih 5 jastuka i sanja li sanja. Ne verujem šta me je snašlo…

ON: Tresnuo sam glavom o radijator. Tako je to kad gospodin uzurpator ukrade sve moje jastuke, uključujući i onaj meni najdraži koji je uvek topao, zato što je naslonjen na radijator pored kreveta. Ovo znači borba! Samo da proverim jesu li mi svi zubi na broju i krećem da povratim ono što je moje! Čak sam i pokušao da spavam na jastuku koji mi je bacio na drugu polovinu kreveta, ali ni to mu nije dosta, nego je sad počeo i da me gura i ne da mi ni to. Koji je njegov interes? Ko ga je poslao? I ZAŠTO MI UZIMA JASTUKE?! Ja sam tigar! Bacam se ovog trenutka na poslednji jastuk koji mogu da napipam u ovom mraku. Gledaj, sklonio mi ga je čak na drugu stranu kreveta! DUŠMAN! Daj mi to ovamo! Dosta je više bilo! No more Mister Nice Guy!

ONA: Danima mi je već ukočen vrat. Pijem lekove i mažem se da prođe. Pola dana još nekako i izdržavam, ali uveče već ječim od bolova. Jedva se nekako namestim da spavam i svo vreme mi je u podsvesti činjenica da pazim kako se okrećem, ako bih da zadržim glavu na ramenima. U toku tog bolnog zadatka zvanog spavanje i dalje ne mogu da budem lišena uzurpatora-kradljivca. Dok dreman u polubunilu, on počinje svoj napad. Ali ovoga puta sam spremna! Čim je uhvatio jastuk, zgrabila sam i ja. Nećeš ga vala! Ovo je MOJ jastuk! Kada shvata da neće dobiti ono što je naumio, odustaje i povlači se u svoj ugao. E, tako! Mogu i ja da pokažem zube!

ON: Prošlo je već nekoliko dana. Još uvek nisam provalio koji su motivi uzurpatora-kradljivca. Ali znam da će napasti opet. Da stvar bude još gora ja i moja modra vilica nismo njegova jedina žrtva. O ne! Napao je i  Milicu te noći. Moja Maca, jadna ječi od bolova svako veče. Izvukao joj je jastuk ispod glave! Kakav monstrum radi to?! Nikada neću zaboraviti taj zvuk kada joj je glava tresnula o krevet. Mislim, jedna je stvar da meni lupa glavu o radijator, ali da Macin vrat ispašta zbog njegove prljave igre… I will not stand for that! Imaću svoju osvetu. Samo da malo povratim snagu i odspavam k’o čovek. Za sada odustajem, neku mu svi ti jastuci, povlačim se u svoj ugao, dok ne isplaniram sledeći napad. Staću ja njemu u kraj.

ONA I ON (u glas): Tresspassing, krađa i pokušaj krađe jastuka… Ne znam da li bi me neki sud shvatio ozbiljno, ali složićete se, stvar je više nego zabrinjavajuća. Ako u sopstvenom krevetu nemam mira i sigurnost, gde drugo mogu da je očekujem? I šta bi bila kazna i da ga osude? Oduzimanje svih jastuka? Postavljanje ograde oko kreveta? Hmmmm… Razmisliću o tome.

Advertisement